Sharon Comes to Stay… Oh Boy!

I wonder if you remember Dodgy Uncle Dave’s girlfriend Sharon. Yeah, the gum-chewing, chip-loving Rotherhill beautician with a heart of gold and a face of gammon, the talent for giving inappropriate gifts and a beer capacity to rival Homer Simpson. She had popped down from north East Yorkshire to see the new baby. She brought, as she always does, a CD from one of her newly adopted bands, which she insisted on playing.  This one was called ‘Stick It On Me’ by The Burglar Sisters and it sounded like a cross between The Nine Inch Nails and an Angle-Grinder. Horrible. Anyway. She brought some presents. Of course. A cool yo-yo with a counter-weight called a Duncan Throw Monkey for me, which I quickly got tangled round Daddy’s legs and a junior tattoo set for Tippi, which Mummy hid away very quickly. I don’t know where Mummy put that but if it’s not the bin, I might be able to find it and have some fun. Anyway, after Sharon had tried to feed chocolate buttons to our week and a half year old baby and failed to persuade Mummy and Daddy to ‘leave the kids for a half an hour and go for a sneaky pint’, she said goodbye, gave me a huge kiss which left acres of red lipstick on my face, put her chewing gum on the coffee-table and went off to meet an old friend in Camden. I can’t wait till I grow up. I think she is going to be fun!

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